My husband bought a regular air mattress from REI, the kind for camping, but it was like trying to balance on a big bubble. I’m really comfy on our couch, which is just latex foam cushions, so we tried a couple of foam things from various sources, and ended up selling them on, yup, Craigslist.

Now you’d think these decisions were all willy-nilly, but no. I’ve done my research, poring through online user-review sites, which didn’t help because somebody loves and somebody hates everything. But at least by now I’m informed. I know all the return policies, or lack thereof. All the sales pitches. Are you a back, side or stomach sleeper? (What if I’m all three?) I know all about pressure points, memory foam, coil configurations and pillow-tops. I totally want to punch the Serta sheep, no matter how cute they are.

We even went so far as to look, just look, at those Swedish Dux beds with adjustable lumbar support, “personal comfort zones” and more springs than a Slinky factory, only to come out of the store doubled over in laughter. Wanna guess how much the cheapest one is? No, higher. No, higher. OK, I’ll just tell you: $6,000! Hahahaha! That’s for the no-frills nonadjustable one! And they go up to 12 grand! That’s a car! Granted, a used Land Destroyer, but still!

Oh, “Maybe it’s just you,” you say? To which I respond, “Nuh-uh!” See, I know it’s not, because I have actually had a few comfy nights. One was at the Grand Californian at Disneyland, where I was so snug I almost canceled my date with Mickey Mouse. Almost. We looked to see what kind of mattress this was, but there were no brand tags on it. Had they been removed “under penalty of law”? The front desk clerk didn’t know either. I decided this was because it was a magical Disney bed made with fairy dust, or stuffed with Disney characters who don’t quite pull their weight when it comes to merchandising. Maybe the less popular dwarves, such as Doc and Happy.

I also loved my cousin’s bed in Chicago where we stayed for a visit last fall. That was a Sealy Posturepedic Victorious Cushion Olympic Team bed. She bought it during the 2004 Olympics, and lots of tiny gymnasts must have used it for a pommel horse and softened it juuuuust right. They don’t make that one anymore, of course, and my cousin wouldn’t give it to me. No love.

Sigh. What I really need is a sleep consultant. A guide. A mattress-shopping sherpa. Or maybe a dream team, like those makeover people on TV who, after examining all your strengths and flaws, know, just know that a Jimmy Choo cosmo metallic clutch will make your life just perfect!

All I know is, my back hurts, my hip hurts, my checking account hurts. So the search continues, and maybe someday I’ll find comfort.

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